What’s longer and more anticlimactic than a Dan Andrews press conference?
Well, there’s a penis joke in there – but the answer is Wednesday’s The Bachelor, which picked up at the same cocktail party we didn’t give a crap about last week.
It all came to a head when Juliette used an infamous showbiz scheme to ruin stage-five Roxi’s night… and f**k sake when does this rubbish end? The Horn fight is on!
What’s longer and more anticlimactic than a Dan Andrews press conference? Well, there’s a penis joke in there – but the answer is Wednesday’s The Bachelor, which picked up at the same cocktail party we didn’t give a crap about last week
The Burmeister Method
It all came to a head when Juliette (left) used an infamous showbiz scheme to ruin stage-five Roxi’s night… and f**k sake when does this rubbish end? The Horn fight is on!
I’m sure that intro hardly enticed you to read on, so welcome to the rest of you, who are in the mood to hear a grumpy punter complain about the only thing worse than having $200 on ‘Tszyu to win in Round 9’ last night: The Bachelor.
Five nights ago (6 months in ‘pandemic time’), Roxi was stunned that the bloke dating 20 women at once didn’t have time to hear about the deep personal significance of her ‘Live, Love, Laugh’ back tattoo.
That’s like picking up Tiger Woods’ phone and being shocked to find pictures of his ‘9 iron’ being whacked around every hole in Southern California.
The cocktail party was STILL raging on Wednesday night – and if Roxi was angry before, wait until she saw what Juliette had cooking up.
I’m sure that intro hardly enticed you to read on, so welcome to the rest of you, who are in the mood to hear a grumpy punter complain about the only thing worse than having $200 on ‘Tszyu to win in Round 9’ last night: The Bachelor
Five nights ago, Roxi was stunned that the bloke dating 20 women didn’t have time to hear about her ‘Live, Love, Laugh’ back tattoo. That’s like picking up Tiger Woods’ phone and being shocked to find pictures of his ‘9 iron’ being whacked around every hole in Southern California
‘I have schemes coming out of my eyeballs to ruin Roxi’s happy night!’ she proudly told producers.
Turned out her master plan to grab Locky’s attention was nothing more than a Burmeister Moment (ask Beau Ryan, he’ll tell you).
‘I have schemes coming out of my eyeballs to ruin Roxi’s night’: The cocktail party was STILL raging on Wednesday night – and if Roxi was angry before, wait until she saw what Juliette had cooking up
Juliette’s cronies, Areeba and Kristina loved this and started joking about how Roxi was ‘the world’s easiest target’.
Close, ladies. The world’s easiest Target is Penny Plaza Westfield’s – you could walk right out of there with a 70″ flat-screen and the staff won’t bat an eyelid.
Turned out her master plan to grab Locky’s attention was nothing more than a Burmeister Moment. For the unacquainted, Juliette grabbed Locky’s attention by ‘accidentally’ falling out of her dress – the move Burmeister made famous at the Chasing Comets premiere in 2018
Taking A Swipe
The plan to ruin Roxi’s night backfired when she started blubbering louder than a Biggest Loser contestant on weigh-in day
The cronies’ plan to ruin Roxi’s night backfired when she started blubbering louder than a Biggest Loser contestant on weigh-in day.
It even roused the attention of Locky – who, after years of snapping hearts in two with his big buff hands had become desensitised to the sound of women crying.
He was right in the middle of a chat with Areeba when he heard the waterworks and went to investigate.
It even roused the attention of Locky – who, after years of snapping hearts in two with his big buff hands had become desensitised to the sound of women crying. He bailed on Areeba to go check on her
Locky: ‘Roxi, what’s wrong?’
Roxi: ‘I know I’ve already got a rose but I’m craving your attention and insanely jealous. I thought after our incredible date that you’d… (angry pause). LOCKY!?
Locky: ‘Roxi, what’s wrong?’ Roxi: ‘I know I’ve already got a rose but I’m craving your attention and insanely jealous. I thought after our incredible date that you’d… (angry pause). LOCKY!?
Locky got distracted somewhere around the time Roxi opened her mouth to speak and was caught in the midst of a Tinder swipe-a-thon.
Roxi: ‘Were you even listening to a word I…’
Locky: ‘Yeah sounds really good! Glad ya havin’ a good time… (looking back at phone) 86kms away? You’ll be paying for the Uber, love!’
Locky got distracted immediately and was caught in the midst of a Tinder swipe-fest. Locky: ‘Yeah sounds really good! Glad ya havin’ a good time… (looking back at phone) 86kms away? You’ll be paying for the Uber, love!’
Every Rose (Ceremony Sucks)
I skipped to the end of the insufferable, drawn out rose ceremony. Clare got booted and so did Zoe-Clare (who’s just like Clare except her parents couldn’t pick a lane) Clare is not pictured because nobody knows who she is
I skipped to the end of the insufferable, drawn out rose ceremony. Clare got booted and so did Zoe-Clare (who’s just like Clare except her parents couldn’t pick a lane)
Shame, Zoe-Clare getting dead-horsed on Fruity Lexia on night one was the lone highlight of a dull season.
Shame, Zoe-Clare getting dead-horsed on Fruity Lexia on night one was the lone highlight of a dull season
Falling On Your Sword VS Fighting ‘Til The end
Locky took boring nurse Irena fencing on a solo date. They do the same date every season so Ten already had the equipment and the double entendres ready
Locky took boring nurse Irena fencing on a solo date. They do the same date every season so Ten already had the equipment and the double entendres ready.
‘I hope Locky likes a bit of sword play!’ Irena told the producers.
‘I hope Irena likes getting poked around by my massive weapon’ said Locky.
‘I hope Locky likes a bit of sword play!’ Irena told the producers. ‘I hope Irena likes getting poked around by my massive weapon’ said Locky.
‘By that I mean I want to have intense sexual intercourse with Irena’ he clarified.
‘The weapon is my penis.’
Thanks mate, we got it.
‘By that I mean I want to have intense sexual intercourse with Irena’ he clarified. ‘The weapon is my penis.’ Thanks mate, we got it
At the end of the date, he took her to the same couch he takes all the other women, where he told her the same s**t he tells all the other women.
‘But this time, I mean it,’ he lied to producers.
‘I feel lightheaded and dizzy around him,’ Irena added. ‘I’m struggling to gain composure but I want this so badly and a fighter never quits!’
Yes they do, Irena. IN ROUND BLOODY 8!
‘I feel lightheaded and dizzy around him,’ Irena added. ‘I’m struggling to gain composure but I want this so badly and a fighter never quits!’
Yes they do, Irena. IN ROUND BLOODY 8!