What’s longer and more anticlimactic than a Dan Andrews press conference? Well, there’s a penis joke in there – but the answer is Wednesday’s The Bachelor, which picked up at the same cocktail party we didn’t give a crap about last week. It all came to a head when Juliette used an infamous showbiz scheme … Read more
According to well-placed sources, the key to successful polyamorous relationships is open and honest communication, weekly STD tests and a very competent therapist. That is especially true when said relationship involves two dozen struggling actors and a neck tatted Lothario who dumped ‘the one’ to have a crack at twenty three. Wednesday’s Bachelor taught us … Read more
‘So did you get lucky with Locky? Your face screams “yes!”‘ they asked. Sorry to say ladies, Bella and Locky didn’t just get lucky on Wednesday’s The Bachelor, they steered a sail boat sideways – that’s like fifth base or some s**t. And yet all Bella could muster was ‘a lady never tells’. That’s funny, … Read more
It’s the moment that the last 350,000 eighteen-year-olds without Netflix have been waiting for. The Bachelor premiere. The ‘main event’ of the reality TV schedule. Sure, it’s still absolute trash – they all are – but this is the one that draws out the ‘classier’ bogans. Case in point is the Bachelor himself, Locky Gilbert, the … Read more
We’re gathered here today to commemorate the short lived media careers of twenty paid actors, whose names we will surely remember for the rest of our lives. They were thrown to the sharks on Big Brother’s live finale on Wednesday night, scrapping over a $250,000 cash prize without a script, or producer, in sight. Unsurprisingly, … Read more
It’s all well and good to cop a ‘selfish whinging bogan’ edit (SWB) on Married At First Sight, where the grand prize is just a huge sponny deal to flog tea that helps you s**t. That’s very different to copping the SWB on Big Brother, where the $250,000 prize winner will be determined by the … Read more
Several weeks ago, the last interesting housemate, Angela, was mercilessly spared. For no apparent reason, Adelaide’s worst driver was offered the same respite on Monday. I’ve had sneezes more interesting than him. Nobody asked for it, nobody wanted it, but here it is. That may as well be the tagline for the ‘new’ Big Brother. … Read more
Shout-out to Big Brother, for proving the only thing more messed up than reality is reality TV. On Sunday, the house was ravaged by a legitimate coronavirus scare that was quickly made illegitimate due to Seven’s ‘make it fake’ ethos. The game was fake locked down and put on ‘pause’ for the first time in … Read more
This is what happens when you’re left with a bunch of drips on Big Brother. On Tuesday, the remaining freelance failures tussled with their own ineptitude, as they tried to wring even a drop of personality out of their lifeless husks. Elsewhere, Sophie found out that the best way to impress The Chad is to … Read more
One night into Angela’s grand revenge plan and Big Brother has already botched it. The un-evicted fan favourite’s reign of terror amounted to nothing but a finger licking farce on Sunday – with a side of succulent subterranean mammal. ‘I hope you like the taste of Mole!’ said the Colonel, whose latest incarnation is an … Read more