According to well-placed sources, the key to successful polyamorous relationships is open and honest communication, weekly STD tests and a very competent therapist.
That is especially true when said relationship involves two dozen struggling actors and a neck tatted Lothario who dumped ‘the one’ to have a crack at twenty three.
Wednesday’s Bachelor taught us that in the world of polyamory, threesomes are fine, ‘all-ins’ are even better but sending the share boyfriend a heartfelt letter is adultery of the highest order.
Wednesday’s Bachelor taught us that in the world of polyamory, threesomes are fine, ‘all-ins’ are even better but sending the shared boyfriend a heartfelt letter is adultery of the highest order
The Good Old Days
Last Thursday’s episode ended with the entrance of a red hot intruder Kaitlyn clad in a wedding gown and walking down the ‘aisle’ of an empty fish and chip joint that Ten hired on the cheap
Last Thursday’s episode ended with the entrance of a red hot intruder, clad in a wedding gown and walking down the ‘aisle’ of an empty fish and chip joint that Ten hired on the cheap.
‘Yooo how good is this. Here comes another one!’ Locky beamed, loud enough for all of his girlfriends to hear
His reaction to Kaitlyn’s arrival was emblematic of what we’ll dub The Bachelor’s ‘post-Robards’ era.
That is, when Channel Ten ditched the idea of casting ‘Mr. Right’ in favour of whichever washed up sports star they could find on the slap at Crown casino at 3am on a weeknight.
‘Just chuck another $50 in the 5 Dragons for me and I’m in!’
Yoo! His reaction to Kaitlyn’s arrival was emblematic of what we’ll dub The Bachelor’s ‘post-Robards’ era
Don’t make them like they used to! That is, when Channel Ten ditched the idea of casting ‘Mr. Right’ in favour of whichever washed up footy star they could find on the slap at Crown casino at 3am on a weeknight
Wednesday’s episode began back at the mansion, where the other women were losing it over how attractive Kaitlyn is.
‘That’s it! It’s over! Locky is never going to notice me now!’ said the contestant who waddled in on night one in a penguin costume.
‘And he’s already given her a rose!?’ cried series front runner Bella, nearly pricking her finger on the rose that she’d been given not five minutes earlier.
Wednesday’s episode began back at the mansion, where the other women were losing it over how attractive Kaitlyn is
‘That’s it! It’s over! Locky is never going to notice me now!’ said the contestant who waddled in on night one in a penguin costume (Rosemary, pictured)
It Takes Four
The waiters soon arrived with trays full of triple shot cocktails, a telltale sign that the camera crew were losing light and nobody had started an all-in brawl yet. ‘That’ll do it!’ cackled the producers. They weren’t wrong
The waiters soon arrived with trays full of triple shot cocktails, a telltale sign that the camera crew were losing light and nobody had started an all-in brawl yet.
‘That’ll do it!’ cackled the producers. They weren’t wrong.
Cut to three Long Island Ice Teas later. Locky was sat in the gazebo, slowly making his way through one-on-one chats with his girlfriends.
Cut to three Long Island Ice Teas later. Locky was sat in the gazebo, slowly making his way through one-on-one chats with his girlfriends
‘Sorry to interrupt but can I have a chat with you next, Locky?’ asked Laura, or Zoe-Clare, or just plain Clare – it’s too hard to tell this early in the season.
‘No you tart! I was next!’ interjected Bel/Maddie/Marg/Penguin girl.
Clearly Locky needs to take a page out of Roads and Maritime Services’ book and implement an electronic ticket system.
‘Sorry to interrupt but can I have a chat with you next, Locky?’ asked Laura, or Zoe-Clare, or just plain Clare – it’s too hard to tell this early in the season. ‘No you tart! I was next!’ interjected Bel/Maddie/Marg/Penguin girl
With midnight fast approaching, it soon became clear that not everyone was going to get the chance to tell Locky their star sign and/or favourite Flume song that night.
‘Desperate times call for desperate measures!’ announced series villain Areeba to the only two women she was still on speaking terms with (Juliette and Kristina).
Missing out: With midnight fast approaching, it soon became clear that not everyone was going to get the chance to tell Locky their star sign and/or favourite Flume song that night
Areeba: ‘All this one-on-one stuff makes no sense. We need to go in as a package deal.’
Kristina: ‘Oh, you mean like when New Zealand teamed up with Australia for a joint bid at the world cup?’
Areeba: ‘What the f**k are you talking about?’
Juliette: ‘I think she means more Denise Richards and Neve Campbell in Wild Things.’
‘Desperate times call for desperate measures!’ announced series villain Areeba to the only two women she was still on speaking terms with (Juliette and Kristina)
Areeba: ‘All this one-on-one stuff makes no sense. We need to go in as a package deal’. Kristina: ‘Oh, you mean like when New Zealand teamed up with Australia for a joint bid at the world cup?’
Areeba: ‘I know we’re trying to appeal to more 35-54 year old viewers but can we stop with the niche references? I’m pitching a verbal foursome. All the teens are doing it these days.’
You won’t be surprised to learn that Locky bloody loved this idea.
‘Three chicks at once? Hell yeah! This is like that Denise Richards movie with the slow-mo boobs!’ he told producers, who were fine with the niche reference.
Areeba: ‘I know we’re trying to appeal to more 35-54 year old viewers but can we stop with the niche references? I’m pitching a verbal foursome. All the teens are doing it these days’
That’s Cheating!
The verbal foursome was naturally a success
The verbal foursome was naturally a success, as evidence by the reactions of the other women.
‘This is the worst threesome I have ever seen!’ complained fill-in villain Laura, who clearly has never seen American Psycho.
Then Juliette committed the biggest sin in the polyamory playbook: handing the boyfriend a heartfelt letter.
‘Three at once was awesome. Juliette slipped me a note and the parts of it that I understood were really lovely!’ he told producers later.
‘This is the worst threesome I have ever seen!’ complained fill-in villain Laura, who clearly has never seen American Psycho
Juliette earned an early rose and immediate relegation from the sisterhood.
Areeba: ‘Um. Why is Juliette holding a f**ken rose?’
Then Juliette committed the biggest sin in the polyamory playbook: handing the boyfriend a heartfelt letter
‘Three at once was awesome. Juliette slipped me a note and the parts of it that I understood were really lovely!’ he later told producers
Kristina: ‘Having twenty plus girlfriends at once is one thing, but a heartfelt letter? That dirty slapper!’
Producers: ‘This is good but we’re still getting killed by Ninja Warrior, someone storm out!’
Areeba heeded the call, slapping a Piña colada out of penguin girl’s hand on the way out.
Juliette earned an early rose and immediate relegation from the sisterhood. Areeba: ‘Um. Why is Juliette holding a f**ken rose?’
‘This whole thing is dumb, I’m f**king sick of this’ she bawled, making a beeline towards the exit door that a producer was conveniently holding open for her.
She conveniently returned for the rose ceremony.
Producers: ‘This is good but we’re still getting killed by Ninja Warrior, someone storm out!’ Areeba heeded the call… But conveniently returned for the rose ceremony.
Every Rose
The rose ceremonies are rubbish and we’re not going to cover them.
Say goodbye to Georgie, Marlaina and Leilani – after you say ‘hello’ of course, they literally did not get a second of airtime all season.
The rose ceremonies are rubbish and we’re not going to cover them. Say goodbye to Georgie, Marlaina and Leilani – after you say ‘hello’ of course, they literally did not get a second of airtime all season