It’s all well and good to cop a ‘selfish whinging bogan’ edit (SWB) on Married At First Sight, where the grand prize is just a huge sponny deal to flog tea that helps you s**t.
That’s very different to copping the SWB on Big Brother, where the $250,000 prize winner will be determined by the public in a live finale.
So it looks like it’s tough luck for Dan and Mat, who we’d feel sorry for if not for the fact that watching them get robbed blind on Monday was goddamn hilarious.
We was robbed! Dan and Mat copped a ‘selfish whinging bogan’ edit (SWB) on Monday, just days before Australia gets to decide who gets $250,000. We’d feel bad for them if it wasn’t so hilarious
Bogan Bonnie & Campbelltown Clyde
Thrilled to have his ride-or-die Sophie back, Chad whisked her away to the bedroom at the first chance he could. Not to get down and dirty, though: ‘Look what I done!’ he grinned, pointing to a blanket fort that appeared to be made by a three-year-old
Chad’s been on top of the world ever since his ride-or-die Sophie returned from an involuntary trip to the asylum.
He whisked her away to the bedroom at the first opportunity on Monday – but not to get down and dirty.
‘Look what I done!’ he grinned, pointing to a blanket fort that appeared to be made by a three-year-old.
‘Only took me two days!’
Sophie eventually managed to coax him onto the bed by screaming ‘the floor is lava, the floor is lava!’
Sophie eventually managed to coax him onto the bed by screaming ‘the floor is lava, the floor is lava!’
‘I’m so glad she’s back,’ he told Big Brother later on. ‘We’ve got the Bonnie and Clyde thing going.’
Big Brother: ‘You’ve never seen Bonnie and Clyde, have you?’
Chad: ‘Nah, but it sounds hot AF. Does it have a happy ending?’
‘I’m so glad she’s back,’ he told Big Brother later on. ‘We’ve got the Bonnie and Clyde thing going.’ Big Brother: ‘You’ve never seen Bonnie and Clyde, have you?’ Chad: ‘Nah, but it sounds hot AF. Does it have a happy ending?’
SWB
Mr. Lonely: After hours of encouragement from the producers, the co-dependent bromance of Dan and Mat agreed to act like they were in a strop over Sophie’s ‘unfair’ return. We were treated to a 10-minute montage of the pair sulking at various locations around the house
After hours of encouragement from the producers, the co-dependent bromance of Dan and Mat agreed to act like they were in a strop over Sophie’s ‘unfair’ return.
We were treated to a 10-minute montage of the pair sulking at various locations around the house.
‘Where’s Mat? Oh he’s standing by the pool trying to tie bricks to his legs.’
‘Anyone seen Dan?’
‘Yeah, think I saw him standing in the pantry with a hose and the gas canister from the BBQ?’
‘Where’s Mat? Oh he’s standing by the pool trying to tie bricks to his legs’
Big Brother was eventually forced to call them into the diary room for a welfare check.
Big Brother: ‘Guys. We’re trying to compete in a very difficult timeslot and this woe-is-me rubbish is the same thing that killed The Biggest Loser.’
Mat: ‘Yeah but loik. It’s f**kin bullshit an’ that. Loik. We get rid of ’em but the flogs keep comin’ back.’
‘Anyone seen Dan?’ ‘Yes, I saw him walking into the backyard with a bunch of fencing and some padlocks.’ Big Brother was eventually forced to call them into the diary room for a welfare check
Dan: ‘They’re herpes.’
Mat: ‘Yeah, except herpes doesn’t steal all your bedding to make a f**kin blanket fort one day and then rob you blind the next.’
Dan: ‘Yeah. Just a rash on the balls from my experience!’
Big Brother: ‘Well, one thing I can agree on is there is no chance in hell either of you is going to win the public vote at this rate.’
Mat: ‘Yeah but loik. It’s f**kin bullshit an’ that. Loik. We get rid of ’em but the flogs keep comin’ back.’ Dan: ‘Yeah, they’re worse than herpes!’ Mat flipped the camera the double forks and stormed off. Dan stayed
Mat: ‘Screw this, we’re out!’
Mat flipped the camera the double forks and stormed off. Dan stayed.
Dan: ‘While I’ve got you here, where do we keep the Zovirax? Wasn’t kidding about the ball rash.’
Rash move: Dan: ‘While I’ve got you here, where do we keep the Zovirax? Wasn’t kidding about the ball rash’
Dog Act
Dog act: On day three of the Dan & Mat strop-fest, Big Brother gave up and sent in one of the emotional support dogs they have at retirement homes with very low visitor turnout
On day three of the Dan & Mat strop-fest, Big Brother gave up and sent in one of the emotional support dogs they have at retirement homes with very low visitor turnout.
In other words, a gift that says: ‘Here’s something to watch while you wait for your impending doom.’
It worked on Dan, who came bounding out of the diary room grinning from ear-to-ear.
It worked on Dan, who came bounding out of the diary room grinning from ear-to-ear: ‘Mat! Mat! We got a dog!’ he beamed, sprinting into the shower to tell the other half
‘Mat! Mat! We got a dog!’ he beamed, sprinting into the shower to tell the other half.
‘Unless it’s an albino chow chow with gold Rolexes on all four paws, I do not give a s**t!’ replied Mat, doing the maths in his head.
Who on earth is going to vote for these two after this?
‘Unless it’s a albino chow chow with gold Rolexes on all four paws, I do not give a s**t!’ replied Mat, doing the maths in his head
Elsewhere, Chad was cheering over the fact he was no longer the dumbest housemate.
In fairness, Chad, the dog ran head first into the sliding glass door because its vision is awful. What’s your excuse?
Elsewhere, Chad was cheering over the fact he was no longer the dumbest housemate. The dog ran head first into a sliding glass door because its vision is awful. What’s your excuse?
Die Another Day
Dan and Mat’s inevitable demise was delayed via an elimination challenge that saw the loser automatically nominated for eviction. Sorry Sarah, you’re the worst at shovelling corn kernels into a barrel – it’s only fair!
Dan and Mat’s inevitable demise was delayed via an elimination challenge that saw the loser automatically nominated for eviction.
Sorry Sarah, you’re the worst at shovelling corn kernels into a barrel – it’s only fair!
A second insufferable eviction challenge in the same episode served as an apt metaphor for just how screwed Dan and Mat are.
They were trapped in a locked cage, quite literally up to their necks in water and left cursing their lovable rivals, who managed to find the keys to success.
A second insufferable eviction challenge in the same episode served as an apt metaphor for just how screwed Dan and Mat are – and how dopey and lovable their rivals are. Chad won the challenge and put Mat up for eviction
In other words, Chad won the nomination challenge and put Mat up for eviction.
Mat managed to complain his way to safety by earning a second vote – some rubbish about Sophie’s re-entry robbing him of the ‘game advantage’ he’d won last week.
Because why just send Sarah packing when you can turn yourself into the villain and rob yourself of $250,000 and all future endorsement deals?
Nobody wants to buy laxative tea off of an a**hole, Mat.
Mat managed to complain his way to safety by earning a second vote… because why just send Sarah packing when you can turn yourself into the villain and rob yourself of $250,000 and all future endorsement deals?
Nobody wants to buy laxative tea off of an a**hole with a blue tick, Mat