One night into Angela’s grand revenge plan and Big Brother has already botched it.
The un-evicted fan favourite’s reign of terror amounted to nothing but a finger licking farce on Sunday – with a side of succulent subterranean mammal.
‘I hope you like the taste of Mole!’ said the Colonel, whose latest incarnation is an eccentric white-haired businessman herein referred to as ‘Garth’.
Finger Licking Farce: Big Brother botched evicted (then un-evicted) fan favourite Angela’s revenge plot on Sunday, which amounted to nothing more than a product placement deal
The Summer of Garth
Summer Of Garth: Garth was sat in the diary room, smiling from ear-to-ear. ‘Big Brother, I can finally rest easy now the reign of Angela is finally over, she was too much of a threat,’ he said
Garth was sat in the diary room, smiling from ear to ear.
‘Big Brother, I can finally rest easy now the reign of Angela is finally over, she was too much of a threat,’ he said.
The ‘threat’ Garth was referring to was Angela’s two Nomination Challenge victories – one for standing on a pole the longest and the other for blocking a hole with her thumb.
Big Brother: ‘Garth, you don’t have to act like you’re not a paid mole in here, mate. I’ve seen more threatening housemates in my grandmother’s retirement village.’
Scared!? The ‘threat’ Garth was referring to was Angela’s two Nomination Challenge victories – one for standing on a pole the longest and the other for blocking a hole with her thumb (pictured)
Big Brother: ‘Garth, you don’t have to act like you’re not a paid actor in here, mate.’ Garth: ‘I paid $350 to some bloke in a pub for a weekend acting course and I’d quite like to get the most out of it.’ No reply from Big Brother
Garth: ‘I paid a security guard $350 to let me sneak into the rafters at NIDA and spy on an acting course, so I’d quite like to get my money’s worth if you don’t mind?’
No reply from Big Brother, just the sound of pen on paper and high-fives.
Garth: ‘Hello! Garth doesn’t like to be kept waiting!’
Big Brother: ‘Oh you’ll be “waiting” alright, just you… wait *evil cackle*’
Garth: ‘Hello! Garth doesn’t like to be kept waiting!’ Big Brother: ‘Oh you’ll be “waiting” alright, just you… wait *evil cackle*’
Finger Licking Farce
Chicken challenge: Big Brother gathered the housemates in the lounge room to announce his daily challenge. ‘Housemates, your challenge is simple. Say “yes” to everything I ask of you’
Big Brother gathered the housemates in the lounge room to announce his daily challenge.
‘Housemates, your challenge is simple. Say “yes” to everything I ask of you,’ he said.
This wasn’t a problem for the housemates, who are clearly more than happy to sell their souls to producers for 15 minutes of shame and a blue tick.
And to consolidate that desperation, Big Brother decided to give the budding Instagram fleas their first taste of shameless sponsored content.
Big Brother: ‘Your reward if successful… a KFC™ feast!’
We’re milking it! This wasn’t a problem for the housemates, who are clearly more than happy to sell their souls to producers for 15 minutes of shame and a blue tick
Big Brother was interrupted by a knock on the door of his broadcast booth (a closet underneath David Koch’s stairs).
Kochie: ‘GAVIN! PHONE CALL. It’s KFC, they say you also have to read three pars of blatant ad copy!’
Big Brother: ‘Tell them that’s rubbish! I’m the only one not getting anything out of this show. How dare they sully my outstanding reputation?’
Kochie: ‘They’re laughing. “Reputation?” they’re saying. “This coming from the guy who let a housemate rub his popcorn turkeys in a woman’s face 10 years ago?”‘
Checkmate, KFC.
Big Brother: ‘Your reward if successful… a KFC™ feast!’ *PR calls* Big Brother: ‘Sorry what I meant to say was that your reward will be platters of juicy, succulent Chicken Wicked Wings™ buckets of Crispy Chicken™ Popcorn Chicken™ and juicy Zinger Burgers™
Big Brother: ‘Sorry about that everyone. What I meant to say was that your reward will be platters of juicy, succulent Chicken Wicked Wings™ buckets of Crispy Chicken™ Popcorn Chicken™ and juicy Zinger Burgers™.’
For the next 20 minutes, we were treated to a montage of the housemates saying ‘yes’ to Big Brother’s challenges.
Failed AFL player Daniel was gifted a football for the house, then told to kick it over the fence.
Channel Changer Challenge: For the next 20 minutes, we were treated to a montage of the housemates saying ‘yes’ to Big Brother’s challenges. First up was failed AFL player Daniel, who had to kick the house’s football over the fence. It took him three hours. Emphasis on ‘failed’
Three hours and a tonne of ‘Karn, Danny! You can do its’ later and the football was gone. So was Daniel’s ego.
Elsewhere, country bumpkin Mat got his first ever spray tan, Kieran ate broccoli and Garth was forced to dress up like a butler and ‘wait’ on everyone.
Forty-five minutes of humiliation followed by a shameful late night trip to KFC? Is this Big Brother or First Dates?
And now we eat: Forty-five minutes of humiliation followed by a shameful late night trip to KFC? Is this Big Brother or First Dates?
Meet The Moles
Don’t ask, I don’t know: Sarah (left) and Zoe (right) won yet another boring Nomination Challenge, nominating Marissa, Ian and Kieran
Sarah and Zoe won yet another boring Nomination Challenge, nominating Marissa, Ian and Kieran.
After spending the first night of her reign on the sidelines, Angela (a.k.a. Mole/Paid Producer’s Pet #1) was finally thrown a bone.
‘You can bring one housemate into your secret bunker in an attempt to influence tonight’s eviction,’ said Big Brother.
Where’s me KFC? After spending the first night of her reign on the sidelines, Angela (a.k.a. Mole/Paid Producer’s Pet #1) was finally thrown a bone and given the opportunity to bring one housemate into her bunker, in an attempt to sway the nomination
She chose Mole #2, Garth, who has thus far played a part in every episode’s staged eviction twists.
Her plan, she explained, was for Garth to convince everyone to kick out beloved nerd Ian, instead of Mole #3, Kieran.
It’s little wonder that Big Brother is the only show in history to LOSE viewers for its eviction segment – why sit through D-grade staged rubbish when they can get B-Grade staged rubbish on The Voice?
Gotta be Garth: She chose Mole #2, Garth, who has thus far played a part in every episode’s staged eviction twists. The plan: ‘Let’s evict beloved spoon player Ian, instead of Mole #3, Kieran’
Garth returned to the house, where he began to lay the seeds of his elaborate, risky scheme by approaching the house’s renowned group of swing voters.
‘You want to see how a fat, bitter gay man does it?’ he asked, before walking over to hand a top secret message to Mole #4.
‘Hannah, stop being a b***h and listen up!’ he screamed. ‘It’s Ian!’
Okay, maybe it wasn’t so elaborate after all. So long Ian, thanks for all the spoons.
The plan: Garth returned to the house, where he began to lay the seeds of his elaborate plan: ‘Hannah, stop being a b***h and listen up!’ he screamed. ‘It’s Ian!’
#PutoutyourspoonsforIan: Okay, maybe it wasn’t so elaborate after all. So long Ian, thanks for all the spoons