Made In Chelsea: ‘Stop spitting on my mink!’ Sophie and Maeva lock horns over Miles

Despite it being expressly stated by several parties last week, Maeva and Miles still insist on speaking in French to one another.

While Maeva and James are making breakfast the morning after the tension-filled black tie soiree, Miles pops into the kitchen to retrieve his overnight oats from the fridge.

It’s at this point Maeva asks Miles, en français, whether they are still going for their pre-planned walk.  

So, after James asked her last week to not speak in French or go off on walks with Miles, Maeva confirms that she is indeed going to keep doing both of these things while the poor boy is trying to enjoy some Nutella on sourdough.

Apparently Prince Harry once told Ollie ‘God, you’re good looking!’ while he was wearing green Adidas (Ollie, not Harry).

Moving on from that image, Reza is fuming (shock!) because Ollie has only just followed him back on Instagram, despite knowing each other for years.

We learned two things about Reza last week: 1 – he is very serious about his Instagram content (literally, not one smile can be spied on his page). And 2 – he likes to convey the kind of image someone like Miles, for example, coveys. AKA a single person.

Despite this being brought to people’s attention on national TV last week, Reza has still not uploaded a sniff of girlfriend-of-66-years Ruby.

The latest offerings see him on a wing-backed chair looking furious, next to an edgy sculpture, and two snaps of him perched on a roof (also looking raging).

Julius has got another song on the go which is apparently not about Liv but a ‘long lost love’. He is still adamant he does not harbour feelings for Liv, but no-one’s buying it – least of all Tristan.

Despite clearly feeling threatened since Julius descended upon the country house last week like The Ghost Of Friendships Past, Tristan is apparently constantly talking about ‘all the girls he’s shagged’ in front of Liv. So she’s not happy either.  

The first half of this episode features a lot of creepy shots down empty hallways and through banisters and you really do expect Nicole Kidman to walk out any minute holding the hands of two spoiled Victorian children.

Out in the grounds, Miles and Maeva are on the forbidden walk, speaking the forbidden language. And just to make it all even more defiant and inappropriate and disrespectful, Miles is asking Maeva if she fancies a spot of ‘trempage maigre’ (‘skinny dipping’).

James, poor love, is inside doing an online Sudoku by the fire, clearly seething.

Sophie decides to see if he’s okay, knowing full-well that Miles and Maeva are off frolicking in the fens.

Sophie tells James that she heard M&M refer to one another as the nicknames they used to call each other when they were lovers.

These are very unsexy – ‘squirrel’ and ‘penguin’. Squirrel and pigeon would be better, as they are both woodland creatures but you can’t have it all, can you?

Happily married Ollie and Gareth ask seemingly-miserable Reza and Ruby if they think they’ll get engaged soon.

Furious Reza then goes off on a rant about how Ruby can’t take a decent photo – which, when one puts as much weight on Instagram as Reza seems to, is the benchmark of any life-long romance.

He explains that, the day before, Ruby took 50-60 photos of Reza, only for them to all be out of focus. Obviously he is beside himself about this, even though it was poor Ruby balancing on the adjacent chimney stack trying to get the shot of him sat on that roof. 

Ruby – run! 

Observation: there are so many lamps in this country house. Literally, there’s about two behind each person in every shot.

Maeva tells James that she’s going to go cycling with Miles and is upset when he seems irked. Just don’t do it hun! Simple!

Ollie hosts a ‘country pursuits day’. It’s all quail eggs and thistle sprigs and baskets and secateurs.

Tristan is wearing clear glasses, despite never being seen to need them before. He’s becoming increasingly annoyed by Julius, after he and Liv made friends upstairs the day before.

He is particularly angry because Julius is ‘always in Liv’s ear’ after she and Tristan have an argument. One might wonder how Tristan defines the word ‘always’ given that, before yesterday, Liv and Julius hadn’t spoken to each other for about 24 months. 

Across the lawn, Reza is still banging on about the 50 ruined photos. ‘At least those are the kind of problems you’re having!’ remarks Paris. Paris has obviously never been in a relationship if she thinks the pure, unbridled rage Reza feels about this sabotaged photo session is normal. 

Germany takes on France as Sophie and Maeva come face-to-face.

Meava is angry that Sophie taught James how to decode her’s and Miles’ French pet names. She accuses Sophie of wearing a dead rat on her head, despite it clearly being mink. 

There’s yelling and shouting and inter-European dialects and saliva.

‘Stop spitting on my mink!’ Sophie demands of Maeva in what shall henceforth be known as ‘I don’t speak snake 2.0’.

 Made In Chelsea continues on Mondays on E4 at 9PM.