A recent survey came up with an analysis about which soap couples, according to their star signs, would stand the best chance of making it in real life.
Incredibly, EastEnders’ Phil and Sharon came out on top, with a more than 80 per cent chance of their living happily ever after.
Never mind that he’s a killer, and an alcoholic to boot; never mind that she has just given birth to her stepdaughter’s fiancé’s baby (keep up!); according to the stars, they are the ideal couple.
Well, either the universe knows something we don’t, or it’s all a load of codswallop.
Now, Corrie’s Ken, born on 9 October, is a Libra, a sign that apparently genuinely enjoys helping others – apart from when you’re cheating on your wife by threatening to run off with women on barges, eh?
Just for the record, I was born on 5 November and am a Scorpio; Emmerdale’s Cain is a Sagittarius, which makes us, allegedly, incompatible.
Really, universe? The love of my life? Like I said: it’s all nonsense.
By the way, I share a star sign with Corrie’s Beth Sutherland and a birthday with Len Fairclough. You have been warned.
CORONATION STREET: LOVE IS IN THE HAIR?
Evelyn reconnects with her old flame, bearded Arthur (pictured) in this week’s Coronation Street
Ever since she arrived on the Street, Maureen Lipman’s Evelyn has lit up the screen with the character’s barbed comments, perception and, at times, vulnerability.
Now, finally, they’ve given her a love interest that doesn’t have four legs.
When an old flame, bearded Arthur, turns up and they reconnect, will sparks fly? Only those that turn into damp squibs would be my guess, where Evelyn’s concerned.
In the most disturbing storyline I can remember (and there have been a lot), Geoff continues to exert his influence over Yasmeen, while Alya tries to lure her grandma away from him.
Couldn’t Alya accidentally stick Geoff’s head in a boiling pot of lentils at Speed Daal? It’s getting way too painful to watch, and it’s clear that nothing short of a suffocating naan bread over Geoff’s face at bedtime is going to stop his evil deeds.
Gemma is pushed to the limits with the quads (so are we as viewers – I wonder if the producer is regretting this storyline?) and Bernie returns to help.
I can’t see how anything short of selling two of them on eBay will get the writers out of this screaming mess that has been inflicted on them.
EASTENDERS: DANGER SIGNS
Ben is visited by Danny (pictured), who has a proposition for him in EastEnders
Finally, the show has remembered Ben’s severe hearing problem, something that has intermittently escaped them over the years – and it’s hugely admirable they are drawing attention to the difficulties encountered by the deaf.
Having brushed off Callum’s suggestion that he learn sign language, Ben gets a visit from Danny (a welcome return from Paul Usher), who has a proposition for him.
Nothing involving the word ‘proposition’ is ever a good idea in Walford, and with Ben pretending that he understands Danny, I suspect this won’t end well.
Have you noticed how many names begin with ‘K’ these days, by the way? Kathy, Karen, Keanu, Keegan and, now, young Kayden? They’re almost a band.
Sharon, for example, is having a tough week planning Dennis’s funeral so she lets Karen look after Kayden, while Kathy supports her.
Whitney is up for her bail hearing and the big question on everyone’s lips must be: has her mascara survived its time inside? But at least, in her sobriety, Linda doesn’t have to keep applying hers, so the make-up department can breathe a sigh of relief about their budget – although there’s always a chance of a relapse.
Poor Chantelle continues to hide her injuries and who knows where this will end.
It’s an admirable plot, all too familiar in real life. Please take note of the helplines the BBC offers, not just on this subject.
EMMERDALE: TEMPERATURE RISING
Leyla has used many wiles over the years to lure men into her sexual web, but turning up in a faux-fur coat with a red satin number underneath to entice Liam (pictured) takes the biscuit
Patients, cover your eyes. This is not good news. Leyla has used many wiles over the years to lure men into her sexual web, but turning up in a faux-fur coat with a red satin number underneath to entice Liam takes the biscuit (and we’re not talking McVitie’s Digestives).
I don’t wish to be alarmist, but amid a coronavirus panic, shouldn’t the GP be more careful about who is sprawling all over his equipment?
Vanessa, meanwhile, tells Tracy she’s prepared her last will and testament.
Er, what, exactly, is she going to leave? Please, not a tape of her whining voice.